After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he mumbled.

Congratulations! The application on behalf of your child for a place in the pre-kindergarten class for the 2012-13 academic year at The School has been rejected. This permits you to begin the Type-A Parent Appeal Process. We think of it as just the kind of challenge that makes the type-A parent’s life worth living.

Type-A Parent Appeal Process

Necessary forms: A hand-delivered letter on the stationery of a New Jersey waste-haulage firm, folded around a rock and thrown through the stained-glass window of The School’s library, will secure you the pamphlet “Explaining the Type-A Parent Appeal Process.” Not everyone needs to submit a formal appeal; if you prefer, The School’s admissions officer will assign your child a number between 56,000 and 61,000, which makes him or her eligible for the lottery that will establish the preliminary pool of alternate standby pre-kindergarten candidates for the class of 2013-14.

If, like many type-A parents, you find this option unsatisfactory, you may take one of the following steps:

1. Threaten to introduce bedbugs to the pre-kindergarten blankie-storage cubbies if you are not granted an immediate personal interview with the full Board of Trustees.

2. Send money. The School cannot bow to parental pressure, of course, but it will accept cash in exchange for reconsideration of your child’s application.

3. Many type-A parents in your situation have found that blackmailing a School faculty member is a nonviolent attention-getter and has the additional benefit of saving you heavy legal-defense costs if your efforts to gain admission for your child have been accompanied by ethnic slurs, phony claims of physical handicaps, or the forging of the child’s date and country of birth.



About the Negatively Gifted Child

Once you have succeeded in having your application reconsidered, you may wish to appeal to the admissions committee to reclassify your child. For instance, instead of Brat / Head Case / Dull-Normal, ask that he or she be identified as Negatively Gifted.*

If the Appeals Board allows your Negatively Gifted child to proceed to Phase III (consisting of an interview with a panel of forensic accountants, genealogists, and phrenologists), you may attend the interview along with your toddler. Anecdotal evidence suggests that locking eyes with each panel member for five minutes while fondling a bowie knife can help assure an “admit” vote.

Special note to the type-AA parent: Kidnapping a successful candidate for pre-kindergarten enrollment can instantly open up a place for your child.



Gifted Program

Gift-giving children are preferred to gifted children.

What Is “Le Droit de Special Rich ” Status?
If you would like to know more about “Le Droit de Special Rich ” status, poison the Head of School’s Labradoodle and wait for a School official to hand-deliver a full explanation in the form of the pamphlet titled “Insider’s Edge.”



Prospective Parent Questionnaire

1. Every parent dreams of having his or her child accepted by The School. As a prospective School parent, which of the following do you think are most important to maintaining The School’s well-being and competitive edge? (Check all that apply.)


from the issue
cartoon bank
e-mail this
Funding a new gymnasium
Spring class trip to Borneo

New faculty sauna

Other capital improvement

2. To assist us in getting to know prospective parents better, please complete the word-association exercise below by writing a complete, grammatical sentence incorporating the following words:



Endowment / Capital Fund Drive / Old-Boy Network / School Building Fund / Anonymous Gift / Top Bid at School Auction / Bequest / Richest-Student Scholarship Fund / Swiss Bank Account Routing Number.

The Curriculum

The School’s curriculum is established through thoughtful discussion and interaction among educators, parents, psychiatrists, trust-fund administrators, attorneys, and family crisis counsellors. The amount of input that is expected of you will be determined by the score assigned to you by The School’s time-honored formula:



Donations/I.Q. + Pedigree x Physical Attractiveness + Annual Net Income

If The School’s Final Verdict Is “No”

1. Check to insure that the applicant is in fact your natural child. Even wealthy parents have been surprised—and relieved—to discover that the babe sleeping peacefully in the nursery has been masquerading as legitimate kin when in medical fact he or she is an impostor.

2. Put your child up for adoption by a better family in order to improve his or her chances for acceptance.

3. Adopt a replacement child from a superior gene pool.

*Children designated as Brats, Head Cases, or Dull-Normal may benefit from our new Midas Touch program. Consult your hedge-fund manager or estate planner for details.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? ' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:30?'

A woman went to a café.
"One coffee, without milk".

Waitress: "I'm so sorry, we are out of milk. You mind having it without cream?"

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50.
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell
them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.