These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."


20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

There are always cynics: My friend Billy Bob and I use the same barber. Our barber happens to be the largest walking case of cynicism as there ever was. Billy Bob was in the barber shop with me the other day and allowed that he was going to Europe specifically the Vatican to see the new Pope. Our Barber started right in about how the over seas airlines would lose his luggage, that the Europeans hated Americans and would treat him in an uncivilized way, that there would be too many people and he would not see the new Pope and to top it all off the Vatican was a heaven for pick-pockets and thieves of all sorts. Well Billy Bob went to Europe then to Rome and the Vatican and returned just last week. I met him in the Barber shop last Saturday and our Barber started in on Billy Bob, “…that it was jut like he had described it.” Billy Bob said no it wasn’t, the overseas airline never lost is stuff, treated him really well on the flight over and back, he found almost all Europeans to be friendly and helpful especially when he got confused or bewildered. Billy Bob said he got to Rome and into the Vatican with no problem that he even got to see the new Pope. Our Barber was beside himself and wanted to know how Billy Bob managed to see the Pope. Billy Bob explained that he was a fair bit back in the crowd, when the Pope started motioning in his direction to come forward. Billy Bob said at first he thought the Pope was motioning to someone else but after awhile it was plain the Pope meant for him to come forward. So Billy Bob started pushing his way through the crowd the Pope motioned to the Swiss Guard to let him approach the Dias at which point Billy Bob said the Pope leaned down and said “Bless you my son but that is the ugliest haircut I’ve ever seen”

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to
supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this
year's winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first
shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I
warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much
your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple
walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window. A man reclining on the couch
asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie,
and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed
to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered
a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars
a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the
genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home
complete with servants in every country in the
world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all
those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know, you're right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each
other. The genie was insatiable. After about three
hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old
are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"

A priest, a rabbi, a Baptist minister and a Buddhist monk had been doing community work together and decided to meet the following Saturday to go fishing. The appointed day arrived and all of them arrived at the agreed to place and set out in a flat bottom boat to fish. Not long had past when it became very obvious that there were major differences in each others beliefs and practices. The priest believed that everything could be forgiven with a few hail Mary’s and it was back to business as usual, the rabbi was forever looking over his shoulder and complaining he was discriminated against, the monk believed through meditation one could move beyond the need for God and was constantly humming and the Minister firmly believed that his was the only true way to believe and was constantly telling all the others how to live their lives. The only thing they all found in common was the idea that nothing happened by chance that there was a reason and purpose to every molecule of movement. (Alt Story) After awhile the Minister aloud that he needed to attend to some pressing “personal” needs, stood up clasp his hands as in prayer up over his eyes and stepped off smartly across the water into the woods along the shore line. After awhile he came back to the shore repeated the previous procedure and smartly walked across the water and re-entered the boat sat down and began fishing, never saying a word to the others about what he had just done. After a few moments the monk repeated the exact same procedure and return the same way sitting down in the boat not saying a word but returned to fishing. By this time the priest was beginning to get more than just a little worried; he marveled at the show of faith that two had shown and he was just beginning to think of his own faith when the rabbi stood up and repeated the same procedure as the previous two, stepped out of the boat walked on water, returned and went back to fishing. Well the priest was beside himself, he just could not allow the others to see that he had any less faith than they had and the call to nature was becoming unbearable. Up stood the priest pressing his hands in prayer to his chest stepped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom of the lake. At which point the rabbi turned to the other two and said “Looks like we should have told him about the stones.”

Alternative story:
After awhile the Priest aloud that he needed to attend to some pressing “personal” needs, stood up clasp his hands as in prayer up over his eyes and stepped off smartly across the water into the woods along the shore line. After awhile he came back to the shore repeated the previous procedure and smartly walked across the water and re-entered the boat sat down and began fishing, never saying a word to the others about what he had just done. After a few moments the monk repeated the exact same procedure and return the same way sitting down in the boat not saying a word but returned to fishing. By this time the Minister was beginning to get more than just a little worried; he marveled at the show of faith that two had shown and he was just beginning to think of his own faith when the rabbi stood up and repeated the same procedure as the previous two, stepped out of the boat walked on water, returned and went back to fishing. Well the Minister was beside himself, he just could not allow the others to see that he had any less faith than they had and the call to nature was becoming unbearable. Up stood the Minister pressing his hands in prayer to his chest stepped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom of the lake. The Priest looked over the side and said “ The Lord has spoken.”