Q. How does The Man in the Moon cut his hair?

A. Eclipse it.

(Sorry that's the best I can do for now).

(For my friends in the UK)
Q: How do you get two whales in a mini?
A: Go on the M4 across the Severn Bridge.

It was an old joke and should be updated to the "Prince of Wales bridge".

To the guy who invented zero:

Thanks for nothin'.

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The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones.

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

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I used to work at a Pepsi Cola plant.

But I left because it was soda pressing.

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Someone took my anti-depressant pills.

I hope they're happy.

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My wife asked if I've seen the dog bowl.

I said I never knew he did.

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I had a date with a girl and asked her when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

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My email password got hacked again.

It's the 3rd time I've had to rename my dog.

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Yesterday I couldn't figure out if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.

In other news... I lost my job as a lifeguard.

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I asked my date to meet me at the gym.

She never showed up.

That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

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My wife says she has 14 reasons why she could leave me.

Including my obsession with tennis.

I said that's 15 love.

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My dog accidentally ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.

So I took him to the vet and went home.

No word yet.

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I haven't talked to my wife in 7 years.

I don't want to interrupt her.

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I'm making a documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

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I'm currently watching a show on beavers.

The best dam show I've ever seen.

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A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity. So I decided to return it.

The shop gave me another one free of charge.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"