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Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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>How important does a person have to be before they are
---------------------------------------->considered assassinated instead of just murdered? >________________________________ > >Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a >"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? >________________________________ > >Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing >the clothes you were buried in for eternity? >________________________________ > >Why does a round pizza come in a square box? >________________________________ > >What disease did cured ham actually have? >________________________________ > >How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured >out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? >________________________________ > >Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" >when babies wake up like every two hours? >________________________________ > >If a deaf person has to go to court, >is it still called a hearing? >________________________________ > >Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? >________________________________ > >Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put >money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? >________________________________ > >Why do doctors leave the room while you change? >They're going to see you naked anyway. >________________________________ > >Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? >________________________________ > >Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast >to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? >________________________________ > >If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, >why is there a stupid song about him? >________________________________ > >Can a hearse carrying a corpse >drive in the carpool lane? >________________________________ > >If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio >out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? >________________________________ > >Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto >remains on all fours? They're both dogs! >________________________________ > >If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all >that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? >________________________________ > >If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is >made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? >________________________________ > >If electricity comes from electrons, >does morality come from morons? >________________________________ > >Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle >Little Star have the same tune? >________________________________ > >Why did you just try singing the two songs above? >________________________________ > >Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the >hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? >________________________________ > >Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, >but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? >________________________________ Just wondering ...  |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Dear Diary, My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.
Well, he didn't actually say it, but that's what he was thinking! |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
---------------------------------------- [bada bing, bada boom] ~Henny Youngman |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A man with a stutter was lost, so he stopped a passer-by to ask for directions: "Ex-ex-c-c-c-use m-m-m-m-m-me, c-c-can you t-t-t-tell me the way to 1113 H-H-H-Ho-wa-wa-wa-ward Lane where the new st-st-st-st-st-stuttering sch-sch-sch-school is?"
The other guy replied, "What do you want to go there for, you can already do it!" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Red Ring
A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?'' ''Lipstick remover.'' |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby. |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
----------------------------------------"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them , "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"  |
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littlepeaks
Veteran Cruncher USA Joined: Apr 28, 2007 Post Count: 748 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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A person applied for a job with the circus, and was hired. His boss told him that his job would involve giving an elephant a bath.
----------------------------------------He admitted he had never given an elephant a bath before, and asked how to do that. His boss told him it was easy. The elephant had a bath so many times that they trained him to help. -- The elephants name is "Nuts". If you want to wash his left side, you just say "Left, Nuts", and the elephant will raise his left leg. If you want to wash his right side, you just say "Right, Nuts", and the elephant will raise his right leg. The new employee said this sounded simple enough and went to wash the elephant. About a half hour later, the man returned, soaked from head to toe, and told his boss "I quit." His boss asked what happened. The new employee said he did what his boss told him to do -- he said "Left, Nuts", and the elephant raised his left leg and he washed that side of the elephant. He said "Right, Nuts", and the elephant raised his right leg to be washed. Just then, a snack vendor came walking by, shouting, "Peanuts!!!" "Peanuts!!!" [Edit 1 times, last edit by littlepeaks at Jun 5, 2007 4:01:54 AM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."
"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked. Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his entrance. The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy. The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures. The choir thundered into the line. The curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!" And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right, "...and the cat peed on the matches!" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
----------------------------------------"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." |
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