Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it! She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap!! Am I driving?"

How To Handle a Traffic Stop...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir, that's where I put it after I shot the owner of this car and stuffed his body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!
Driver: Yes sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. The Captain slowly approached the driver...

Captain: Sir, can I see you license? Driver: Sure, here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration card.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there was a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened: no body.

Captain: I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you that I was speeding, too.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Jewish Mothers

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"

A man went on a business trip and left his cat in his brother's care. Three days later, he called his brother. "How's my cat?" "She's dead." "What? She's dead?! What do you mean 'She's dead!'? I loved that cat. I wish you would have broken the news to me more gently. Why not tell me that she got out and was up on the roof and you're having trouble getting her down? Then the next time I call, you could have said the Fire Department was there. And the next time that they scared her off the roof and she was hurt when she hit the ground. And then, later, when I was prepared, you could say that she died. Really, you are so crude." His brother apologized sincerely, "I'm sorry. You're right. I was insensitive." "Oh, it's all right. Forget it. Let's change the subject. How's Mom doing?" "She's up on the roof and..."



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Edited for inappropriate language - nelsoc