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World Community Grid Forums
Category: Community
Forum: Chat Room
Thread: The Jokes Thread |
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Thread Status: Active Total posts in this thread: 1237
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Test
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lived, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs, not even on the bitterest day. So the Laird asked, "Alan, did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?"
"Well Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." Alan replied. "Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?" Alan explained, "I was wearing 'em the first day, Sir, when a laddie offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didna hear him! Never again, Sir, never, ever again!" |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges: 
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SANITY
----------------------------------------Bob and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bob suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Bob out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is that Bob, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"   |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Tennessee Divorce
Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common? A: Someone is going to lose a trailer. |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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Cussin'...
----------------------------------------A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with the H word and you say something with the A word." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, he**, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your a** it won't be Cheerios!  /  -- Edited for inappropriate language - nelsoc ---------------------------------------- [Edit 1 times, last edit by Former Member at May 23, 2007 1:50:55 PM] |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favourite fairy tales. "Mummy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'?"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . . '" |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
A guy in London hotel calls the operator and asks, in his broken English with a heavy Lithuanian - Yiddish accent, for the number "266419"
a short time later there's a knock on the door, and when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him: " are you the guy who ordered " two shikses for one night"? |
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
Doctor quizzing a new elderly patient,recently moved to the area.
"How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." |
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bjbdbest
Master Cruncher Joined: May 11, 2007 Post Count: 2333 Status: Offline Project Badges:
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. So would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."
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Former Member
Cruncher Joined: May 22, 2018 Post Count: 0 Status: Offline |
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?" |
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