Two 90 year old men, Harry and Tom, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Harry is dying, Tom visits him every day. One day Harry says, "Tom, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Harry looks up at Tom from his death bed," Tom, you've been my friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Harry passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Tom - Tom!."

"Who is it? asks Tom sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Tom --it's me, Harry." "You can't be Harry. Harry just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Tom," insists the voice."

"Harry? Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Harry. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Tom.

"The good news," Harry says," is that there really is football in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Tom. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're playing on Tuesday."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid........And £50 quid is £50 quid".

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.

I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know..........

£50 quid is £50 quid.......!"

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.

"How do you get your Stuart up so early on school mornings?" asks one of them.

"Oh, that's easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog."

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So we picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Holiday Complaints
According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.