"When I Grow Up, I'm Going To Be A..."

An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.

Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers and you'll get a Rhesus Peanut Buttercup.

Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon and you'll get a Sassoon. An animal that lurks in the suburbs at night, catches unwary women and styles their hair.

Cross an armadillo with a hammerhead shark and you can keep your refrigerator smelling fresh with an Arm & Hammerhead shark.

Cross a male grouse with a female dog and get a bird dog that's always complaining, a Grouse-and-Bitch.

Cross a parrot with an alligator and when the Parrigator asks you for a cracker, you'd be well advised to give it one.

Cross a sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a Shag-carpette.

Splice the genes of 63,360 inchworms and get a Mile-worm.

An Impossabull is what you get when you make a three-way cross between an impala, a possum and a bull. It's a 2000 lb. antelope that hangs from trees and drops down on unsuspecting matadors.

Here's an interesting five-way cross. An Alaskan King Crab, a kingfisher, a jackrabbit, a jackass and a jackal. This gives you a Full House.

Cross a rabbit with an amoeba and you'll get an Amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time.

Cross a grasshopper and a hippopotamus, and you get a Grasshoppapotamus, a short-lived creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.

Cross a coyote with an ass, and the results are a Doncoyote. This is an ass that brays at windmills and tilts at the moon.

Cross a lion with an ocelot and you get a political animal, the Lialot, close relative to the Cheetalot.

Cross a racehorse with a hog and you get a Thoroughpig.

Cross a sheep with a porcupine and you get a Sheepupine. It not only supplies you with wool but will also knit you a sweater.

Cross a male sheep, a baby sheep, an Australian wild dog and a donkey and get ... Aram-alam-ading-donk.

A combination of a lamprey eel and a baboon created at a famous American college gives you the Harvard Lampoon.

A coward and a hyena gives you the laughing stock of the party, the Cowena.

Cross a snake with a canary and you get a bird that sings with a lisp, the Snary.

Cross a lamb with a camel to produce sweaters with bumps (especially for the ladies), the Lamel.

Soy Toy

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

The Blonde and the Deodorant

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."